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You have to love colloquialisms. But man is there a downside to using them. A colloquialism is more or less a regional saying or phrase. Though it may give color to expressions it can often create confusion. Take for instance an experience that my wife and I had. It literally took us years to “get it“.

A couple of years back, my wife came home upset. The vibrating window resulting from the slamming of the front door let me know she was in a tizzy about something. It’s amazing how quick the brain works. Within a matter of  at most 5 seconds I had already calculated about 50 reasons why she could potentially be mad at me then eliminated them all for one reason or another. I was in the clear. Go me!!

“What’s the matter with you,” I confidently bellowed to her downstairs. So what if the kids got in trouble, that was their battle to fight.

“You’ll never guess what the fish clerk at the store just told me,” she said in disbelief. My interest piqued I rushed downstairs. “what’d he say,”I asked? Evidently, she had been shopping at the fish counter and the man behind the counter said to her, “what’s the matter, did I sleep with you last night?”

“He what!!!” I bellowed. “yesss,” she confirmed. What I love about my marriage is that my wife and I, in most situations, are  in tune and in sync. We knew what needed to be done, and we were the folks to do it. We didn’t need to talk we instinctively prepared for war.

After snatching the kids up and ensuring I had the Michael Cooper knee high socks on, we headed down to the grocery store to get all up in that dudes ish. The frigging nerve of this guy!!! No matter where you come from, that’s just bad customer service. How had they let this slime ball work for them. I was doing my best to breath. I found that breathing kept me from seeing red, and passing out. But every time the phrase, “who the heck does this guy think he is” came back into my head, I stopped breathing,  started seeing red and felt like I was about to pass out.

I believe in efficiency, so when I saw the store manager as I walked back to the fish department at the store, I flagged him down and let him know he had trouble on his hands. Like a police officer hunting down a suspect, I turned to my star witness wife and asked her to finger the perp. “Him, him right there with the beady eyes.” OK, she didn’t say that, but I tell you that’s how I remember it!!

I stepped to him. Even though there was a counter between us, he already had his hands up and was backing away as though I was about to bum rush him. “What did you say to my wife,” I inquired?  I asked the question in the tone we are all familiar with. I know what you said, I need you to confirm what you said so I can lose my mind for what you said.  He was ready for me, all he said was, “what, I didn’t say nothing to her?”

True to form, my brain went into an old In Living Color routine.

I’m thinking “ho-ho-homeboy!!! I said, ho-ho-homeboy . . . he didn’t just say what I thought he said did he?” I looked around at the gathering crowd, rhetorical mental questions simply backing one another up.  “He said nothing???? Didn’t he? Didn’t he?” The manager could see the odd look in my eyes. He caught the glimmer of a crazy man like a match, beginning to catch fire. He stepped in to diffuse the situation.

“How can I help sir?” he said. I went for the nuclear option, “I want him fired!!!” “He asked my wife if she slept with him last night” The manager successfully calmed me down with assurances that he would take care of the situation. I eventually relented, having restored my wife’s honor and left it at that.

Fast forward a year.  I walk into my brother’s house. In the course of the conversation, I didn’t respond to something and my sister-in-law says, “what’s wrong, did I sleep with you last night?” I stopped dead in my tracks, my head was the only body part turning to her and I simply said, “what did you say?”

She quizzed me, “you’ve never heard that saying?”

No,” I respond, “what does it mean?” Come to find out, the saying is meant to draw attention to someone ignoring you. It  really has no sexual connotation to it and is just a southern saying.

Oops

Now I start mentally reviewing the odd sayings that I’ve heard throughout the years. How many times have I gone ballistic over a colloquialism that I didn’t understand.

Hey folks, I’m sorry.