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From the outside listening in, some folks might not get the relationship my wife and I have. We’re committed to not taking ourselves too seriously and laughing is always encouraged. So when you hear me tell my wife, “your Frump Factor is moderate today,” laugh along.

If you’ve been in a long term relationship, you know there are some conversational landmines to be dreaded, avoided and handled with a ten foot pole. For the uninitiated, listen carefully. When the sentence begins with the words, honey, sweetie darling, sugar or other sappy nouns peculiarly out of context with the current situation. . . RUN!!

If you can’t run, pay close attention and when a similar situation arises, think man, think. My wife and I will celebrate ten years of marriage in September and I’m still discovering.

“Sweetie, how do I look in this?” were her words. That was the setup and like Pavlov’s dog,  I made the mistake of answering in less than ten seconds and I failed to look her way. That’s a rookie mistake veterans make all the time. As a husband, these questions are routine questions not really deserving of whole mind concentration as much as requests of comfort worthy of grunts and nods. But evidently, from a female’s perspective, this is some pretty important stuff that must be dealt with several times a week utilizing severe consideration and scrutiny.

“Looks great,” was my response. I’d learned my honesty lesson years before. When it comes to looks and weight, honesty is not the best policy so men put your poker faces on. And just like poker, some hands you win and others you lose.  I could feel my wife’s corneas trying to burn a hole in the back of my head. This flippant response was clearly a losing hand this go ’round.

“You didn’t even look,” she quipped. “I did,” was my feeble response. But I’m a pretty bad liar when it comes to my wife, so the whole, “you look great” was a doorway to verbal beat down #476.

“And just when it looked like the home team was going to lose, big time, I put my hands up and said,  “all right, all right, I think your Frump Factor is pretty high today, maybe in the 7-8 range.” Boy’o, I had done it now!!! Not sure where that brilliant idea was coming from, but I was struggling to try and plug that hole. As I watched her response, she ceased the verbal assault  and drew in a long breath, as her head tilted up and her mouth widened. I could see teeth and squinted eyes and just when I was picturing my self in the Southwest Airlines, do you want to get away commercial, I realized, I had prevailed. She was laughing. Hysterically I might add.

After she stopped laughing, she asked, is it the skirt or is it the blouse.  Crisis avoided. Not only did it introduce a guaranteed morning laugh, but my wife’s dressing has gone to another level. Just when you think you know what to expect, marriage throws you the unexpected.

I now actually have fun with the question, “how do I look.” I relish the opportunity with zeal. My wife frequently requests a Frump Factor report. I can hold my head up high and say, “yeah, uhm today we’re at an 8 – 9. Ok, ok, truth be told, I COULD say 8 – 9 but I WOULDN’T say 8 – 9. I do still want to stay married. I generally don’t go higher than 8.

So to men everywhere, I give you the Frump Factor, use it with caution!!